Dr Christina Beckman

Christmas can be a magical time of year, and it can also be a very painful time. Lots of people feel lonely, unseen, disrespected, invalidated, railroaded, exhausted or torn by expectations of various family members.

So much pressure gets placed onto Christmas having to be perfect. Its unrealistic. We are a bunch of imperfect humans who are all juggling society’s expectations, our family’s expectations, and our own (often unrealistically high) expectations while we are all exhausted at the end of a long difficult year. Scratch that, multiple long and difficult years. We come together (or not) in a stressed out, tired state. We cross our fingers and hope for the best.

It’s not surprising, then, that sometimes it does not go well. Maybe we put too many jobs and tasks on our plate to begin with. We may have pushed ourselves out of peak performance and into fight or flight, where we floundered by expecting too much of ourselves. Maybe we weren’t invited to the gathering we would have longed to attend. Maybe we were there, but there were arguments, or others did not respect our boundaries, or invalidated our feelings on things that really matter. Its possible to feel very lonely, even when sitting down to dinner with the whole family. Maybe the impossible task of pleasing different people who have contradictory expectations of you caused stress. It is not possible to please everyone all of the time.

Or maybe we were completely alone. That may have been OK, or it may have been very lonely. There may have been reminders of losses, grieving to be done. Christmas can be a very sad time of year.

Of course I hope that you had a fantastic Christmas, but if you are one of the many people who didn’t, please remember that its just one of 365 days of the year, and its (pretty much) over at the time of writing this post. I’m counting my privilege when I say that mine was a happy day over all, but of course it was an imperfect one. There’s a spectrum though, from little things not going quite right, to traumatising or retraumatising experiences.

If yours was in the second category, then I want to tell you that your feelings about today are valid, real and they matter. You are a human being who is suffering, and of course you feel the way that you do right now. What you need from yourself is kindness, not self criticism or shame. You are the same worthwhile, loveable human being tonight that you were yesterday. Whether or not your family are able to appreciate that and communicate that to you through their actions and words has NO bearing on your worth. I often use the example of Vincent Van Gogh’s masterpiece Starry Night. The worth of the art does not change if someone walking past disapproves, or insults it, or even closes their eyes to ignore it. It remains what it is. A unique, priceless masterpiece. Whether you were not invited to a Christmas celebration, or were invited but not treated with respect, your worth is unaffected.

You are worthwhile

You matter

Tomorrow is a new day, and a new opportunity.

If you are experiencing crisis, please reach out for help. Below are some 24/7 support services who are available to you.

Lifeline – 13 11 14

​Beyond Blue – 1300 22 46 36 or online counselling: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

Beyond Blue Suicide Safety Planning: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

​Suicide Callback Service – 1300 659 467

​1300 MH Call – 1300 64 22 55

Emergency Services 000

Or attend your local Emergency Department.